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| Friday, May 30th, 2008 | | 2:48 am |
Heroes a revalation
So a while back, i did a little thing on heros thats on my facebook. And, lately ive been in a bummed mood, fueling my need to write, since it the best refresher for me. And with the entry i posted yesterday I realized something. I have been wanting to rid myself of a part humanity that is goal and obsession of most of it. But ive realized...but ridding myself of this part that have, have to thrive from, and live with, I've come to a realization that this not becoming a hero. But yet the previous definition I gave of being a hero, is being able to transcend humanity but now now don;t you see, well you don;t so let me try to explain this. By removing a part of of your humanity from yourself, assuming that a human is the most intricate and complex organizim on this planet, you become lower. A HERO removes a responsibility that he or she had previously deal with. At least in the terms I am thinking currently. And with this, If i were to throw in the towel, say that finding someone to fall in love with was stupid and useless, i would fall in stature, not increase, I would throw away the responsibility of finding someone that I can fill with joy and who will do the same to me. Since I only believe in doing that better one's self this realization gives me the resolve to once again Never Give Up. I will not throw away such a responsibility, I am weak, but i will endure no matta what. hehe :) ah I love writing | | Thursday, May 29th, 2008 | | 4:15 am |
incomplete this entry is
Ok, so this is one hardest topics I have ever tried to tackle. I find it almost to be impossible to find an answer to this, and realistically only find despair at a positive conclusion to keep trying in this area. Is there really any point in seeking out companionship on a deep level ... or at least one that is bonded more closely than the dearest friend. It is a found fact that as humans, we have very strong and precise opinions on certain subjects, and as such, even those that say they are not opinionated and are whimsical do have a stance, we try to push our ideas on those around us. This act causes grief and debate, and unnecessary argument and stress on oneself and others when the act is undertaken. It is true, and yes I say it to be true that one’s opinion on a stance could be better than another’s and that if the better stance were to be adopted, it could better the other party. But there are far and few, a miniscule discrete set of items that actually have a right and wrong, instead of just a happy medium that is particular to each individual. So, with this in mind, this act of imposing one’s ideas on each other, because we want out lover to be ideal, is a false and destructive act. It is blatantly apparent that this act will end in the disruption of one’s balance, or moderation and it will cause discomfort or grief. Another issue, with this whole concept of the relationship, where two people are to become close to each other, open up, and support each other through struggles is the simple confliction with human interest. Our number two priority is to acquire happiness, while number one being to reproduce. I would like to believe that as humanity we can transcend such primeval instincts, but I fear, they are a cage we cannot detach from, as if these instructions were carved into our very bones. When our partner that we have let become part of ourselves and house inside our heart, does something we did not conceive of them possible, it destroy out world, and unless u are completely untrusting, how are you not to be blinded. There are those that fall in love easily, or find fondness in others easily, and would wish to pursue a future and see if things would turn out well. And there are those than cannot find at all the one for them. These are two extremes that we all lie in between. Me personally I find myself to be one hard to find a liking for one person in particular. If I am serious, and that which I am, I have only found that special fondness in three people, 2 of which have turned into some of the best friendships I have, and 1 of which has scarred me for the rest of life. I’d like to take this opportunity to discuss emotional/mental damage quickly, as I do not wish to dwell on the topic until later. A older version of me, would say that no matter what the pain and the destructive force we encounter, one can overcome that evisceration through will and make it through stronger than ever before. Now, after really being cut in two once in my life, I find this statement….laughable. It seems that as I believe moderation is the law of this world and all its creatures, there is a cap to how much pain one can endure over time and at one exact moment. It was assumed this pain will change you, but there is permanent damage. There is permanent change no matter what…one can never return to an older state of themselves because that older state does not know what you know now, thus is fate of knowing the past. No matter how much hope and will you can muster, no know can change what they know … memories can be blacked out but the echo from the impact of the hammer ... will always be there. Because of knowledge of the past…as one remains the same, one is always changing, just through the passive acquisition of empirical knowledge. I mean…to have such happiness and just be betrayed and then left empty and naked in the dark…while as friends there can be an unbreakable bond…with the degree of separation required so we do not run into the hedgehog’s dilemma. I really cannot find reason to seek out a relationship, so much effort and hope…put into something so fragile, I’d rather do anything but waste so much time. And yet… though now only a whisper….ha it used to be a scream of my heart …but now a flame burning itself into mere embers, is a voice that tells me that the truth is you just have to keep trying and eventually you’ll find that someone who you can be happy with, w/o and eventual ultimate betrayal. Never give up … I mean maybe its all just propaganda ..I feel like this world tells us that it is the ultimate goal to end up with someone…and maybe I just cant justify that as being an end all goal. Such a fragile goal, one you never really know when you reach. How is this what is supposed to be my ultimate desire. I’d rather have all the best friends in the world, than one lover that will eventually rip out my soul Maybe the answer is…yah..its a fucking terrible risk no matter how you look at it, but it’s the best thing for us humans. Then I reply…I wish not to be human. Current Music: The Black Dahlia Murder - Funeral Thirst | | Wednesday, May 7th, 2008 | | 4:30 am |
mmm new COB album
Dear diary, what have I done? Am I trippin' or am I alive? Once I've decided I've got stories to tell No way in hell was that just another muthafuckin' dream Doesn't matter cuz I already know how it feels to WAKE UP WITH Body like a roadmap of pain Mind like a landfill of shame Tie my rope one more time Dear diary, had I known what I told you last night I would've never walked there to start another fight Banging my head on concrete wall, while knockin' on wood Thinking it that's gonna do any good when I WAKE UP WITH Body like a roadmap of pain Mind like a landfill of shame TIE MY ROPE Tell me once, I decline, I refuse to learn Shoot me twice but I'm not going down I will climb the rope you tied for me Beat me up while I'm still alive Tell me once, I decline, I refuse to learn Shoot me twice but I'm not going down I will climb the rope you tied for me Beat me up while I'm still alive Tell me once, I decline, I refuse to learn Shoot me twice but I'm not going down I will climb the rope you tied for me Beat me up while I'm still alive Current Music: Tie my rope - Children of Bodom | | Monday, May 5th, 2008 | | 2:18 pm |
i feel it again
ive had some turbulence this past month...and my head is def still not right BUT. I remeber what i am..what i fought to be, to maintain...and how im going to fight o endlessly more. I dare for the encounter to happen. I may be riddled with rage and twisted with black...but i almost forgot how i have control over that so easily...and can turn it into a fist of the suns. man i cannot wait to work out this summer, gunna get sum fucking protein, sum fucking jager bombs, cuz im the fckin champ Current Music: All Shall Perish - Eradication | | Sunday, April 27th, 2008 | | 1:56 pm |
happy hardcore - Rave that night away
I have been waiting all of my life for you to come along and make everything alright my body is shaking right through my bones so take me by the hand and please dont leave me here alone and I wonder if you know just how I feel I feel yah, i wonder how i know if this is real IS REAL cause i want you to SAVE ME just please save me SAVE ME cause i need you to save me just please save me, save me Current Music: DJ Tika | | Wednesday, April 16th, 2008 | | 12:42 pm |
there is no burning flame of a man's spirit
Yesterday in class I showed Shonen anime. For those of you that dont know what that is, basicaly dragon ball z and all of its off shoots. And...im starting to think that this is the root the fuel...the birth of never give up. Cuz i believed never giveup...i had to...it was the only thing that could keep me going in those dark times long ago. and now i feel as thought im really broken and that fire to keep going doesn;t exsist and only the fear of dissapointment keeps me barreling through. Have you ever felt red, ...and black....anger and frustration so great that it seemed to embody your very being and that it overcame everything and took control of your thoughts...and if something, someone, anything didnt stop you, you might just make the red run and be very content with yourself. But what happens when such a seed of hate is planted and it stays..it never gets extinguised because it just stayed inside and you tried to ignore it and let go of it but it happily laughed at your stupidty and kept growing inside with such an endless desire for red and black. And now, it seems to be part of you...something that will never go away because it was not treated early on...like a cancer throughtout your soul, and anger so primial that is would kill you if only it wasn part of you. And now you dont know if your own thoughts are your own anymore, u seem to be a normal and every thing is fine...but then a flash happens and your not yourself...your this creation of hate...and only nearby friends can calm your mind...but while you settle back down.u know and feel the infection still there laughing..angrily, pissed the fuck off you didn't act, pissed at everything thats happened, and blamming everything and nothing on you...just a constant pound of everything we loved and we held in the light was taken from us, it was taken from me. It was taken and so many mistakes have been made, so many mistakes but it wasn;t us it was THEM and we want them to go away...forever. To never utter a breath again ...and you barely can graspe away from this insanity ...this pyshco-insanity of hate....and you know you really know...that you can never be the same. This isnt a scar...it cannot be turned into something of a lesson..its a festering entity thats wants total control. this is why im broken.....i know and i see around me that even after such terrible events, people heal and go on and experiance that meadow of flowers and soft grass...but ive come to think to start to believe that, you can be broken for good and maybe...im losing my humanity. i want to go back to that struggle...be back in the fray i was so acustomed to...but i feel as now i am just trapped in a torando of hate p.s. yes its 1pm and im drinking...o carnival i cant wait Current Music: Arch Enemy - Dark Insanity | | Friday, April 11th, 2008 | | 4:28 am |
this has possibly been the hardest so far week of my undergrad, i put in over 45+ on a program to finally get an A on it (it was an all or nothing u either get an A or you get a zero) I have not slept and i am so tired.... wow | | Tuesday, April 8th, 2008 | | 7:23 am |
NILE - UNAS SLAYER OF THE GODS
Unas Hath Taken Possession of the Hearts of the Gods Unas Feedeth on their Entrails He Hath gorged on their Unuttered Sacred Words He Hath Assimilated the Wisdom of the Gods His Existence is Everlasting | | Monday, March 31st, 2008 | | 3:57 am |
once again that same old wonder. I may cover myself in sin and its possible that if naught care, naught will notice. But to strive to be that hero who can rise above, i do believe in. What shall become of a soul in the trappings of darkness, rot? I cannot be sure except only to question and believe what I see is wrong...possibly, i crossed that feeble hurdle of muck and yet i cannot even bring myself to realize what has ocurred. Tis interesting how m reaction is one of complacenty. i need to sleep but i need to unravel...it seems almost that I must wait till summer to gather my thoughts...but I mark i force myself that this summer shall be one of production otherwise..i will never complete what i desire most. | | Friday, March 28th, 2008 | | 2:48 am |
ridiculous name...but this band is awesome n doesn't scream
[See the cemetery sky Carmine red and deep Watch the oceans rising high It’s the human stain] Talk about the growing hunger Ask why with deep concern Don’t you think the human race is ceaselessly vain But it hurts to be alive, my friend In this silent tide we're driftwood passing by Don’t you wish you were a child again Just for a minute just for a minute more Hear the ticking of a clock The sound of life itself No one really wants to die To save the world Tell me that you're torn asunder From how we fail to learn And tell me as the earth goes under Where’s your anger now So it hurts to be alive, my friend In this masquerade where all one day must die Don’t you wish you were unborn again Just for a minute just for a minute more Tic toc Tic toc The ticking that could tear asunder The beating from a heart of stone The lust of your divine prosperity 'Cause it costs to be alive, my friend And this life that someone merely gave to you That's the price you pay Minute by minute You beg for a minute more Current Music: Kamelot - The Human Stain | | Tuesday, March 25th, 2008 | | 8:13 pm |
theres is much to devulge and time to do so is naught. I feel as thought the best way is through song. the next one i write shall be red | | Tuesday, March 11th, 2008 | | 4:19 am |
masks
So for tonight's devulge I'm going to swtich gears off of the topic i started last night, to something that has quite bugging me since the concept was first introduced. Fake, something not real, something pretending to be something it isn't. We define thise word fake in our minds with identical if not similar meanings. We all understand and come to an consensus of what fake means, but we dont have any clear consensus of what the meeting ground for someone who is fake. What does that mean...seriously? What is it to be fake, to be something you are not? Well, what are you, see I'm finding a loop hole and theres seems to be too much to unravel to begin with so I'll just start with an example. I have a friend who has many faces, and different groups of friends. But for each face this friend wears, this friend does not show the other faces to any of the other groups. SO for each set group, there is a set face she has for them. And the other parts of their personality that encompuses them as a whole, are kepy hidden, from all except the corresponding group. This, I am informed by said person, is not being fake at'all. Which to me, in my opinion, could be utter crap. But lets try to understand. I mean I myself have many different groups of friends,m and may have a different face persay for each group. But, i find that I always want people to see every part of me, and not have a hidden side, since I feel that then people wouldn;t really know the true me, and in these course of actions, would not ever really know me. I like being an open book, I feel as thought sometimes you can be more vulnerable, really, it gives such possibility for connection and damn, shouldn;t you be proud of every bit and crumb that is you. Even those bits and peices you have that you would like to hide under a rock, burn them, and hope they never emerge again. There needs to be acceptance, cause if you cannot live with yourself, then who could ever live with you.So then there i find a problem right? You are ashamed of the other parts of yourself and will not show them to others, except those you KNOW, will accept this side of you. Theres the key, thats shit. If you cant trust of believe that others will accept every side of you then you really are not secure with yourself..I mean I dont mean that when you meet some one you should immediatly tell them every terribel thing you can think of about you. But the point is simple, if someone is so ignorant that they canot accept this side of you which may be a tad offbeat comparred to the normal senses of this group of friends, well fuck them. I mean really, if they cant deal with you then they should go live in a cave where every is just like them. I mean whats, the point in being diverse then? So i think prentending to be something your not..well how do u know your not that thing to begin with. It may just be part of you, your too shy to let out. So then I conclude with that, being FAKE persay, really is the just the action of not being comfortable with a part of your personality, core, or being around other people and yourself. And these internal problems lead to the external pains know as being a giantic bimbo. Well now thats harsh so I'll stop there, but I think we can see what I'm getting at. and then comes a monkey wrench see i knew this to be true, and I had hopped this was not the majority of the society, but it seems to hold. Most people dont put any thought to understanding themselves. To me this is the most absurd and puzzeling thing on the fucking planet...and at the same time makes perfect sense. I find that if you cant understand yourself and why the hell you do what you do and why you are the way you are. and ...this line of logic goes on another 14 times etc. I mean to walk through life "content" with never thinking about why you are who u are, and just accepting and never questioning your internal self...but YET being so inquisitive about others around you, celebrity lives, and politics seem to be the most hypocritical thing to the point where I live in a world of richard nixons. By god its the same bullshit I complain about with how this country is run. How do you expecy American to fix and heal the rest of the world, when our domestic issues are screwed up to being with. It goes the same for humans. I mean shit i realize its painful sometimes and a bother, but to go around walking without a thought in your head except what you'd like to order at McDonald's and should I sleep with this random ass at a party well fuck, we're all doomed. Current Music: All Shall Perish - Eradication | | Sunday, March 9th, 2008 | | 5:05 am |
Can we be sane?
So I have had a thought for a few days now and I feel tat if I wait any longer to dissect this thought to some extent it will go stale and in light of spring break I think it is time for me to write a lot and write trying to unravel the endless insanity that is love. So the thought I have is opposites attract, for the time being lets agree on this and take it to be true. So if opposites attract then I may postulate that if not after the relationship has ended we have always been with someone who we would label as crazy, psycho bitch, or fucking wack job right. Well I consider myself to be crazy so lets first just put that down on you assumptions so that if I say anything too out of key for you, remember I am crazy, when it comes to relationships. So here I would say that in my previous relationships I have been with a lot of crazy. And Those around specifically those close to my heart are crazy like me also, and the last observable specimens where by medically inclined professionals, defined crazy. So this was a disaster utmost and true, right. The crazy and crazy seem to work like the most amazing chemistry for a while, until the one that is less crazy starts to realize just how crazy the other person is even though that they themselves are crazy, so because of this, we then have the problems of feeling like we owe something or, we have baggage ourselves how can we throw this person out for having baggage of their own. But in the end…the amount of crazy starts to spill over and has terrible adverse effects on the other and the relationship is headed for disaster. So lets take a moment here and quickly describe what defines crazy. I mean the definition of crazy is easily summed up as trying the same thing over and over again expecting different results. So that’s the dictionary definition of crazy which is all good and fine and I could use a fucking book work of elaborating on this, but unnecessary. More interestingly I want to understand what makes one crazy. Is it the damage of domestic violence, trouble at home, being made fun of as a little kid, not having friends, being told your worthless day in day out, cutting yourself, turning to excessive sleep, drugs, alcohol, odd quirks, claiming of disorders you don’t have….these outlets that some may use…all damaging…is this what drives one crazy. Or is just the simple act of having any kind of pain that just pushes the envelope that extat inch. Or is a disease I mean…think of it thise way this is a interesting thought. lets say you are sane but then a crazy person enters your life…or by terrible default the crazy person ends up being your mom or dad. They of course in their dementia hurt and damage you over and over again and eventually u break in a short time and become crazy your self. I think this may be the most effective way…cuz people push pain onto other to lessen their own ,,and since people cause themselves pain there is always going to be more pain than all of us can handle…so a lot of us will break. Some us break in a way that hurts us all around and odds us to become anti-social and have no friends…or even worse just put ourselves in the thought land that we have no friend even when we really do….so painful those people are. Some are secluded and can hide their craziness even though its hurts them deeply. ~side note…I find…even when it hurts n stings bad. getting that thing that is killing you inside in your face….gets ur through the pain~ So! Where was I going with this….ah yes! So since opposites attract and crazy person needs a sane person to become stabilized and that sane person gets a lot of experiences they would never have from another sane person….but really I guess my ending question which needs to be left for another day since I must sleep having to drive for like 2 hrs tomorrow If, one can be broken and chipped inside…to where they are no longer the person they used to be, now damaged and scarred. Can one heal….not really can one become the person they used to be…but can one, Evolve, out of the bits and pieces of themselves into a better, whole, sane person. Current Music: Sum 41 - The Jester | | Monday, February 11th, 2008 | | 2:28 am |
everyone's got baggage even me
I'm seeing this girl and she just might be out of her mind Well she's got baggage and it's all the emotional kind She talks about closure and that validation bit I don't mean to be insensitive, but I really hate that shit And I said yeah, yeah Oh man she's got issues And I'm gonna pay Yeah, yeah She thinks she's the victim Yeah Now I know she'll feel abandoned If I don't stay over late And I know she's afraid to commit But it's only our second date And I said yeah, yeah Oh man she's got issues And I'm gonna pay Yeah, yeah She says she's the victim But she takes it all out on me I don't know why you're messed up I don't know why your whole life is a chore Just do me a favour And check your baggage at the door Now she talks about her ex nonstop, but I don't mind But when she calls out his name in bed That's where I draw the line You told me a hundred times how your father left and he's gone But I wish you wouldn't call me daddy When we're gettin' it on And I said yeah, yeah Oh man she's got issues And I'm gonna pay Yeah, yeah She's playing the victim And taking it all out on me Yeah, yeah My god she's got issues And I'm gonna pay Gonna pay Gonna pay Gonna pay Gonna pay Gonna pay Wooh....Yeah If you think I'm controlling Then why do you follow me around If you're not co-dependent Then why do you let others drag you down I don't know why you're messed up I don't know why your whole life is a chore Just do me a favour And check your baggage at the door Current Music: The offspring - She's got issues | | Thursday, February 7th, 2008 | | 5:18 pm |
Everything I learned about life is from Hentai Games
http://www.fullyramblomatic.com/features/hentai.htm -Unnaturally coloured hair is a sign of high fertility. - All subcutaneous fat consumed by women go instantly into the chest or thighs, so the waist can remain at a comfortable six inches across.- Women love the mattress mambo more than life itself, but never look like they're enjoying themselves throughout. - All clothing is made from a miraculous water-based material that dissolves gradually during foreplay, and fully materialises again clean and uncreased immediately after sex. - There are only three kinds of men in the world:
1. Sexual predators who must get laid every fifteen seconds or die
2. Neutral men with no personality who variously seduce and are seduced by women
3. Borderline depressives who are seduced all the time by sexual predator women and agonise about it afterwards, but never actually turn them down- Men, particularly their reproductive organs, have been known to turn invisible or partially transparent at moments of high passion. - Female reproductive organs are sometimes pixellated. - Breasts the size of grapefruits are considered average size. Breasts are only considered 'large' when they start generating their own gravitational field. - Octopi are great lovers.- Shagging is the universal panacea, capable of curing various neuroses, depression, minor illness, executive stress, acne, syphilis, cancer and braindeath. - The entire sphere of human existence takes place through a series of still images, which often focus on gratuitous panty shots, extreme close ups and extreme close ups of gratuitous panty shots. - The world is universally badly translated. - There are only three kinds of women in the world:
1. Sexual predators who must get laid every fifteen seconds or die
2. Hard-to-get types who are nevertheless gagging for it
3. Wide-eyed virgins who are also nevertheless gagging for it- There are never more than three decisions anyone can make at any time, two of which don't lead to anything. - Men have no facial features. - No-one ever just wants to cuddle.http://www.fullyramblomatic.com/features/hentai.htm | | 2:04 pm |
metalz
the beating heart within this fist lol idk thought that was a good line...I'm starting to go metal crazt again which is never abad thing, but which does mean I'm going to start writing a shit ton of lyrics...which also means I need to get onmaking lyrics yay. so tell me public, what are some METAL song ideas....and not just aguy goes to a buffet,..and dies....and this happens forever lol n so metal This liquid vision of euphoria Living a life on borrowed time Paying the price of immortality Desperately avoiding our fate Lead me through the halls of tortured souls Alone, forlorn... human dignity dethroned Forevermore - A life never ending Time stands still as the immortals keep on breeding The future is locked within us All we need is the key Crying at the fountain of youth Eternal life is killing me Triumphant in chariots they ride On this arena of the undead Anoher lap of honour for the... Vacant galleries Lead me through the halls of tortured souls Alone, forlorn... human dignity dethroned Forevermore - A life never ending Time stands still as the immortals keep on breeding Current Music: Arch Enemy - The Immortal | | Monday, February 4th, 2008 | | 2:34 am |
| | Thursday, January 24th, 2008 | | 12:05 am |
| | Saturday, December 22nd, 2007 | | 5:14 pm |
X-mas mayhem
ahh so much shopping and running around..I am still not done christmas shopping and I need to finish that, tomorrow hopefully yes tomorrow. Ah I wish I had organization. So many to see and such little time...hmmm I wonder when I will see certain people *runs in circle* But damn it is good to be able to sleep again for ever. Went to bed at 6, woke up at 3 ahhh i miss this so much, its the only time I get to anyway...hmm I should really try for an internship although I doubt I'll get one. btw opinionsIm getting my mom a zune for x-mas (microsoft version of ipod) think this a good idea? I do eh also I think I just like reveling in the irony of I will at x-mas have no portable media device (my cd player broke) and my mom will have an mp3 player...yah thats hot lol. : P | | Saturday, December 15th, 2007 | | 4:22 am |
Overhead the albatross hangs motionless upon the air And deep beneath the rolling waves in labyrinths of coral caves The echo of a distant tide Comes willowing across the sand And everything is green and summery And no one showed us to the land And no one knows the where's or why's But something stirs and something tries And starts to climb towards the light Strangers passing in the street By chance two separate glances meet And I am you and what I see is me And do I take you by the hand And lead you through the land And help me understand the best I can And no one calls us to move on And no one forces down our eyes And no one speaks And no one tries And no one flies around the sun Cloudless every day you fall Upon my waking eyes Inviting and inciting me to rise And through the window in the wall Comes streaming in on sunlight wings A million bright ambassadors of morning And no one sings me lullabies And no one makes me close my eyes So I throw the windows wide And call to you across the sky. |
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